What is Orthorexia? And How I Broke Free From This Eating Disorder
If you eat healthy and care about eating clean, people probably just think you are taking care of your body. But did you know this could actually be the sign of an eating disorder?
Orthorexia, while not yet an official eating disorder, is getting a lot of attention these days and may soon belong in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). It deals with an unhealthy obsession of what you’re eating, which could lead to harmful implications.
The National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) states that orthorexia may be linked to more than just an eating disorder:
“Without formal diagnostic criteria, it’s difficult to get an estimate on precisely how many people have orthorexia, and whether it’s a stand-alone eating disorder, a type of existing eating disorders like anorexia, or a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder. Studies have shown that many individuals with orthorexia also have obsessive-compulsive disorder.”
While I am not a medical professional, I have experience of dealing with mental health issues and overcoming them. I have been on the “receiving end” of more disorders, addictions, and mental illnesses than I can count on two hands. And yet, I live a happy life. Because empowerment comes from within and orthorexia, or any disorder, can be triumphed over with the strength of the human spirit.
My journey towards orthorexia
I had never heard the term “orthorexia” until a month ago. However, I was familiar with anorexia, having fought that and overcome it years ago. (At the worst stage of it, I stood 5’4” at 94 pounds.) Little did I know that my inclination towards eating disorders would creep back into my life disguised as “health.”
It started when I returned to the states after eight months of volunteering in Thailand. I had become severely addicted to sugar overseas and made a resolution of turning my eating habits around. I decided I wanted to live a healthy lifestyle, starting with my food.
Having been a vegetarian for 20 years and vegan for five years at that point, I wasn’t unfamiliar with a restricted diet. Both choices had come from a drive for ethics and a love of animals. I didn’t mind what I was giving up because I was working to do the least amount of harm towards living beings.
However, like any addiction, it worsened over time. I found myself consumed with learning more about what was healthy, spending hours, often daily, researching nutrition—so many hours I considered going back to school for a degree.
The severity of my orthorexia took the most toll on how I interacted with my ex-boyfriend. Constantly obsessed with what he was eating, how much, and what time of day, I felt like I needed to direct his eating habits as well as my own. I was fixated on making him eat the way I did, thinking that with my knowledge and the amount of research I did I knew what was the best way to nourish your body.
It was like a compulsion. I couldn’t help myself. Passive-aggressive remarks flew out of my mouth in an attempt to control his eating, just like I controlled mine. Numerous fights broke out about my constant insistence that he needed to change his ways or else I could never be happy—I wanted to have a partner who cared about his nutrition and health, just like me. Unfortunately, at the time, I didn’t realize that the level to which I cared was neurotic and obsessive-compulsive.
Looking back, I can see how I lost control over my need to control my diet (and everyone else’s). I was judgmental and couldn’t understand why people weren’t able to choose health for themselves. But instead of encouraging them, I was slowly alienating them. I had my soap box, and over time, less and less people started showing up to listen.
My diet kept shrinking as I learned more about how food interacts with each other and what was the best way to eat it—not taking into account that everyone has a different body type. I was at the point of eliminating peanut butter from my diet after learning it was a legume—and for anyone who knows me and my love of peanut butter, you would know this was drastic.
But it was all in the name of health.
My journey away from orthorexia
My wake up call that led to my understanding and self-diagnosis of orthorexia was that of a health scare. Having had a physical examination and an abnormal EKG reading, my doctor prescribed blood work and an echocardiogram. Thinking I was anemic because of some heart issues I was having, he wanted to be sure.
I laid in that cold room, bare-chested, listening to the sound of my own muffled heartbeat through this electronic machine. Choking back tears at the prospect of something being wrong with my heart, an essential organ, and symbolically, the source of love.
What if there was something wrong with my heart? And all because of what? Because I was too stubborn to change my diet even though I intuited it would be best for me. I had grown an identity around being a vegan for seven years and I didn’t know how to let go.
I was proud that I had accomplished something that requires extreme discipline. Having stayed a vegan while living in Italy and saying no to the delicious treats and pizzas is an achievement in it’s own right; but saying no to changing my diet and eating eggs in Thailand when I was malnourished and had holes in my toenails, was martyrdom.
In the name of love. Or so I thought. Love for the animals that were being tortured and discarded as if they didn’t matter, I was determined not to support the industries that had such a disregard for living creatures. But it came at the cost of love for myself.
As I laid there on that cold doctor’s table, I knew the truth. I wasn’t loving myself enough. I had been a martyr for years, placing animal rights above my own health. I still believe in doing the least amount of harm, but now I include myself in that. Because I learned that while I was trying to protect others I was harming myself.
Like most change-of-hearts, I had an epiphany on that table. I was going to choose love for myself. And I was going to start now. Not weeks, months, or years from now. Right now. I wasn’t even going to wait for the test results; somewhere deep inside, I knew I needed to do this for me, regardless of what the results were.
So I left that office and that night I cooked myself a free-range egg. It tasted delicious and felt right in my body and heart, symbolically. I felt free. It felt like these ropes I had wrapped around me released, and I saw the world as opportunity rather than restriction. Not realizing it at the time, but that was the moment I broke free from my orthorexia eating disorder.
Still true to wanting to inflict the least amount of harm in the world, I have found someone who has true free range chickens in their backyard. Rooster-less and carefree. Those are the eggs I continue to eat, knowing that I can love myself and still be conscientious with what I eat.
Days later, I learned about orthorexia. It felt like everything had divinely fallen into place. I finally understood that sickening compulsion which had strained my relationship and myself. Now, as I move forward with this knowledge, I can choose better choices. For it is through the ignorance of ourselves that we blindly choose things that might not be in our best interest.
Warning signs & symptoms of orthorexia, according to NEDA
Compulsive checking of ingredient lists and nutritional labels
An increase in concern about the health of ingredients
Cutting out an increasing number of food groups (all sugar, all carbs, all dairy, all meat, all animal products)
An inability to eat anything but a narrow group of foods that are deemed ‘healthy’ or ‘pure’
Unusual interest in the health of what others are eating
Spending hours per day thinking about what food might be served at upcoming events
Showing high levels of distress when ‘safe’ or ‘healthy’ foods aren’t available
Obsessive following of food and ‘healthy lifestyle’ blogs on Twitter and Instagram
Body image concerns may or may not be present
I don’t know about you, but I definitely fit in the above criteria. My diet grew smaller and smaller as I would learn new things about the nutrition and anti-nutrition of food. I watched as my acceptable foods grew smaller, thinking that I was getting closer to a “pure” diet, rather than a suffocating one.
Now as I navigate recovery from another eating disorder, I am finding more compassion and excitement. The world is my oyster—which remains something I still don’t eat. I’m constantly learning about what works for my body and learning that everyday is different. It’s about listening to what will best serve me today and choosing the most loving option to keep my heart and mind healthy.
Finding your truth after an eating disorder
The longer I’m alive, the more aware I am of the nuances of life, learning that not everything can be assessed as black or white. Ultimately, it comes down to a feeling inside, because no one knows your truth better than you.
For me, learning about orthorexia resonated so deeply in my body. I remembered how I would constantly punish myself for veering off my health ideals and hate myself just a little bit (and sometimes more) every time I wasn’t perfectly adhering to what I thought I “should” be eating. I don’t believe any lifestyle choice should bring about that level of shame, no matter how “healthy” it is claimed to be.
So check in with your body. Ask yourself, “Is this hurting me or harming me?” You’ll hear the answer if you’re quiet enough. And know that you’re not alone. There’s a reason orthorexia is coming more into the spotlight. As a collective, we’re struggling with trying to be perfect and make healthy choices. But at the end of the day, it all comes back to you and what feels right in your body.
What choices bring the most love to you? Those are the ones you should make.
